I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Hello my rib-scented angel!
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize