that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
