Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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