One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
