Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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