please come you make the beer taste better
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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