I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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