drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
