I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
