I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
i now understand why vodka
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
