So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
