After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
