I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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