Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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