i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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