when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize