Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
