How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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