Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
