Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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