As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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