She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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