During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
