i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
