I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
