my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
