did you get engaged???
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
