Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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