Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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