If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
