Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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