so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize