I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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