I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
