Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize