Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize