I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
