just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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