life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
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