Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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