All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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