Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
