i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
