just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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