i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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