She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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