He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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