Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
