And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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