So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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