new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
This house was built for laser tag.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
