My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
