did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
my phone needs a breathalizer
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
