i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
