I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
