so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
