Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She told me I should be a condom model.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
